I haven’t written since 9th April! I’m sorry; Web 2.0 spreads me very thin. This is what’s been happening, as filtered through the medium of Twitter and links:

I should get my SPF on, I don’t get ID-ed AT ALL since I got a Mum Haircut. I cry bitter tears into the skin of my forehead

“My new hobby is shouting out incorrect catch phrases to celebrities. Saw Ainsley Harriot and I shouted ‘Awooga’ at him. He looked confused”

Man why you even got to do a thing.

“ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!”

V. Important Concern 30/4: New YYYs stuff growing on me like a virulent skin condition despite none of it being even slightly good. Sigh.

Re. Carrie Prejean: “Gays manufactured her, they can dismantle her. They can start with a spackle knife”

Man I am not having a good hair experience this morning. I look like Cadfael.

titien; n., A person who must seemingly natter to remain conscious (Fr. titein: clattering garden whirlygig designed to drive away gophers)

This excites me. Geek is showing, Y/N.

Barman at the D&P makes origami dinosaurs! Still smells of piss though. (The venue, not the barman)

Ploughman’s Lunches are always misconfigured. What am I going to do with a 6:1 cheese:bread ratio?

In my old age I’ve become slightly fixated on flapjacks.

EVERYONE SHUT UP! SHUT UP! THIS SONG IS ALL ABOUT ME.

A plumber’s van labelled “JK Beardsworth” is inordinately funny but I definitely can’t articulate why in just 140 characters.

Oh, bless your heart, local news.

My crap superpower: fidgeting.

Can you sprain an eyebrow?

Ambition Not to Carry Out #5478953: On the 14th I’m going to see how many members of @themaeshi I can lick.

I am so into the entire oeuvre of Shulamith Firestone right now. Sorry, misspelled “Eastenders”.

This Crystal Antlers EP is like full sex, Lynne

I know three chords! That’s two more than [insert whoever you think might be funny].

One whole hour of sleep. ONE. Gngngnnnn, frrtttnn and other consonants.

The Rebetthew superbot matrimonial amalgamation completes in 4 months, 4 hours. Should have stopped us when you had the chance, puny humans.

Stop it, Au Revoir Simone. I knows what I likes and it’s “dirge & screaming”. There will be none of this “beautiful pop” rot. Gah. Sirens.

Class! One thousand times: “I must not be passive-aggressive via social networking sites”.